The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (**)

Peter Jackson ought to be ashamed of himself. Years in the making and many more years of waiting, at last the cinematic adaptation of this teensy 300 page book is complete. Too bad there's not much to show for it. While The Hobbit-and-whatever-the-rest-of-the-title-is doesn't settle into "bad movie" territory, what it represents is far more upsetting: the George Lucasification of Peter Jackson's career.

I will admit right away that I have not been a fan of this trilogy (save for the cleverly-written and oftentimes beautiful "Desolation of Smaug"). What could have made a very fine epic fantasy film was sliced and diced until it was unrecognizable as anything but a fast cash grab by greedy producers, studios that now feel encouraged to split adaptations into more than one film in order to maximize profits and box office revenue (Twilight, Harry Potter, Divergent, and The Hunger Games to name a few). As Bilbo would say, these movies are "like butter scraped over too much bread." It's all fluff.

Picking up from the cliff-hanger of an ending, the film stumbles along and tidily wraps up Smaug's story and then hurries to this grand battle. The battle of 5 armies, no less. Let's see, there are Men, Dwarves, Elves, Orcs.... And then Eagles? Or worms? Or was the fifth army more Orcs? Or maybe those bats we saw... I will not lie that I have little recollection of the book (having read it no more recently than grade school) but the movie hurries forward assuming all filmgoers are well-versed on the lengthy Appendices of The Lord of the Rings novels.

The original trilogy of Middle Earth was grand for so many reasons, least of all it told a beautifully-human story amidst all the magic and goblins and what. The films were such successes because they bridged the gap between book and screen, tweaking here and there to become something fans and non-fans would enjoy. 17 or so Oscars later, it's hard to argue with...

The Hobbit, then, is everything wrong with Peter Jackson today. These films are nothing but effects-laden action flicks that care little for cohesiveness, instead choosing to focus on obscurities to stretch out the runtime to the allotted window. Five Armies, in particular, seems to rehash specific moments from "Return of the King" purely out of laziness, from the villain attacking with a ball and chain, to the very iconic line of "the Eagles are coming." It's a wonder Gandalf wasn't stumbling around Minas Tirith years later going "you guys this is serious deja vu..."

In the end, what could have been? Jackson has dwindled from his roots and lost track of the art behind these movies. Like George Lucas, he oversaturated these movies with an obscene amount of visual effects and flat dialogue. It's quantity over quality. Yes, he helped create this world years ago for Lord of the Rings, but was he the best director for the job with this series? Perhaps Gulliermo Del Toro would have made a better adaptation. Perhaps not... Perhaps what's done is done and Middle Earth can go back to remaining a pleasant memory in our minds for years to come.

(Awards potential: Best Costume Design, Best Makeup, Best Visual Effects, Best Sound Mixing)