The Emoji Movie (1/2 star)

There is nothing funny about THE EMOJI MOVIE. I didn't laugh once. I didn't smile once. I didn't lean forward in suspense or excitement even for a moment. This isn't a movie. You can practically feel the mighty hand of the Almighty Studio coming down through the screen. It's stinks of insincerity and panders to the masses in a way that few things should. I wanted to just write *poop emoji* for the review as a way to be funny and leave it at that, but even that seems too easy for a project so thoroughly misguided.

"Emoji" takes place in a boy's cellphone during a random day as a freshman in High School. The boy's name is not important since his entire character arc is deciding to not exchange his malfunctioning phone for a new one That, and he has a crush on a girl who texted him but he doesn't know which emoji to text back. How did they exchange numbers in the first place if they aren't familiar enough to even talk to one another?

Inside his phone is a world that has as much originality as sliced bread. It's one part "Monster's Inc" and one part "Inside Out" in the way the world is thematically structured. "Monster's" had a restaurant named Ray Harryhousen's. "Emoji" has ... not a lot. The main character is named Meh (although apparently he was called Gene in the movie. I don't remember that) and it's entirely fitting given the quality standards of the production. Meh wants to work in the head office where Emojis are scanned anytime someone texts on their phone. It's a high privilege that has been passed down through the generations (Meh has two parents, presumably named Meh and Meh. How do they procreate without genetalia?). Something happens and, gasp, a scrappy plot develops in which a bunch of annoying characters need to get to the 'cloud' in order to save something. Along the way they stop by Youtube, Facebook, and others. Puns ensue.

Meh (TJ Miller) is joined by High-five (James Corden in perhaps the year's most annoying sidekick role) and a hacker person (Ana Faris) who is also the now-expired Princess emoji in disguise. What a twist! I can't tell you exactly what happens in the film because not a whole lot of it does. On top of that, we intercut between Meh, the human boy in high school, and Meh and Meh Sr (who are looking for their son who ran away on an adventure... Meh). Even the edits are sloppy and the soundtrack is at times too quiet and at times roaringly loud. Not only did the screenwriters not understand the concept of storytelling, but the filmmakers didn't understand the concept of filmmaking. In a year in which Trump was elected and "The Mummy" redefined what 'bad movies' are all about, "Emoji" could still take the cake as one of the worst parts of 2017.

I don't know why a project like this was funded given it's oh so blatant lack of creativity. It feels like a cash grab except I can't figure out entirely who this movie is marketed to... People with phones? Is it fun to watch a movie in which smiley faces live a life based around a certain emotion? Why? I would sooner prefer a movie that deals entirely with ingrown toenails or the cells that make up cancer in the body. My only consolation is that the theater I saw it in was mostly empty and the ending came with the sweet sound of dead silence and a collective sigh of regret from all in attendance. I think we all felt the pain of having sat through one of the year's worst movies in the presence of each other, but in a way it was a comfort to share in the meh with an audience. We walked out of the theater a little less joyous and a little more cautious about our next visit to the movies.