Bohemian Rhapsody (**)

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY is such a "color-by-numbers" film that I think anyone with half a brain could have written a version at least as competent. The film, long in production hell and with a history of stars attached, hits all the familiar notes we expect in a musical biopic... And little else. This is less a movie about Queen as it is Freddie Mercury, and it's even less a film about Mercury as it is about the tropes of a long-cliched genre. Did these filmmakers have anything new they wanted to say??

The film opens on Mercury (Rami Malek) as he gets up from the dinner table to listen to a local rock band. The scene is complete with the angry father telling him he needs to get a job and whatnot. Cut to a dingy band performing halfway decent music, but suddenly losing their lead singer. "What are we going to do next?" Would you believe Freddie approaches these musicians and offers them some handwritten songs and his own vocal skills? Mercury, with his eclectic style and feminine mannerisms, is soon a hit. The band begins a tour, and then records a record, and then it's on to a global tour!

Not only does Bryan Singer (the fired director) have no idea how to approach such a historically popular band, but he also does not understand the pacing of film. We go from these boys forming a misfit garage band to signing a record deal in the span of 30 seconds, and from there we begin countless montages that show the cities Queen tours in. There is no exploration of their rise to fame, we instead make the jump from nobodies to superstars. Whoopie. Even the creative process is washed over with boring scenes of songwriting that feels less like artists working and more like a director directing.

Rami Malek, a star who I frankly have little interest in, is one of the few shining stars of the movie. In interviews, this wide-eyed actor with a penchant for the weird seems like the most uncharismatic actor in Hollywood today. On screen, there is an undeniable transformation. No, it's not the wig and false teeth that sell this performance (wigs that frankly look ill-fitting and more in tune with a stage production of Peter Pan), it's the mannerisms with which Malek captures the man. He moves about on the stage with ease, and with slight gestures and struts, we believe this is a person who could be a pop star. In comparison to the flat personality of Malek we see off screen, this is a remarkable performance in a certain way.

The film somewhat glosses over Mercury's sexuality, choosing to bypass any homosexual relationships with montages involving red light and scantily-dressed men. Even his ultimate relationship to his partner, Jim, is covered by no more than 3 or 4 minutes on screen. The eventual culmination of the film (which occurs on the day of the Live Aid concert) is blatantly unlikely. You would think that on the morning of the biggest concert in the world, the lead singer wouldn't have time to hunt down a love interest in a phone book, have tea at his parents, and also get to the stage on time. Think again.

I left this movie no more than 5 hours ago and large chunks are already wiped clean from my mind. I can't remember much about the story, since so much is condensed into black and white arguments over fame and family, and we learn little about the inner workings of these characters. Even the fellow musicians of the band, each unique in their own way, are merely pawns in this story tailored to hit all the highs and lows of the Freddie Mercury story. Nothing more. Did we need a movie about Queen? Sure. I only think that given the length of time they spent trying to get it to the big screen, you would think the final product might be a bit more of a spectacle.