Hardcore Henry (Zero Stars)

It takes a very special kind of movie to warrant a zero star rating: one that lacks any semblance of artistic endeavor or passion. Hardcore Henry is that movie, and assuredly one of the worst movies I have seen in my life. The plot is laughable, the characters undefined, the visual look of the film something The Blair Witch Project would have turned down for being too confusing.

The film itself is borderline unwatchable due to it's first-person camera technique, putting you in the viewpoint of Henry, a man who may or may not be the most boring cinematic character to ever roam the silver screen (despite blowing up people's heads like most people might pop a roll of bubble wrap). The shakiness is to the point where I found myself completely lost in a blur attempting to discern who is fighting who and what exactly the purpose of my life to this point has been. The gunfighting, bloody as can be, was tedious and beyond all levels of taste.

Strapping a camera to the face of a stuntman who clearly has no idea how to film a movie, I found myself bored to the point of wandering out to the theater's bathroom (an AMC chain in downtown Chicago). I was surprised to discover a fully remodeled washroom with a warm, inviting glow and beautiful wood detailing on the bathroom stalls. The bathroom was unoccupied aside from me (most peope don't go to the movies at 1:45pm on a Thursday), so I had time to enjoy the quiet and hum to myself quietly while doing my business. Even the faucet was full of amazing detail and practicality. After using the soap dispenser, I realized the sink itself had a hand dryer installed directly beneath the flow of water. It was quite literally one-stop-shopping for my hand washing. No more dripping hands while I clumsily attempt to walk across the bathroom to some paper towels. Genius.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the movie sucks.