Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (*1/2)

This is low entertainment, plain and simple. Frankly, spending any more time mulling over this failed franchise would be an exhaust of energy and brain power, but here it goes. What began as a fresh and surprising popcorn flick back in 2003 has gone the way of all (most) movie franchises: decrepit, tired, stale, boring; shots in the dark that try to hit the same mark twice.

Jack's back years later to help Will Turner's (Orlando Bloom) son find King Poseidon's Trident (I'm not kidding) in order to spare his dad (Orlando Bloom) from the dreaded curse of a lifetime at sea. They join gangs with a moppy-headed girl named Carina (Kaya Scodelario) who has been sentenced to death for having learned the scientific method and also being knowledgable at stargazing. She also seeks the Trident (I think) because of a reason I've long forgotten. The gang meets up in jail, each sentenced to death for various reasons. Instead of logically breaking out the night before when they had the chance, they figure a last-minute rescue would make a better action scene. We're left with a scene in which a guillotine blade yo-yo's back and forth at Captain Jack's neck while Moppie and the Orlando-wannabe swoon over each other in the grasp of a noose.

The villain is Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) who is a poorly-rendered ghost missing the back of his head. His army is made up of similarly-themed spirits, some of whom are missing legs, others are merely floating arms. Salazar wants to find Jack Sparrow (and also the Trident) because of plot. It's inexplicable. He blatantly runs into Orlando #2 in the first scene and tells him to find Jack Sparrow (how curious that two men from opposite sides of the world run into each other in the ocean looking for the same character?) through thick heavy Spanish accent. "Jeeehkkk Es-Sssspawwlow." Later, he joins forces with Captain Barbosa (he's back) to help speed up the adventure. Mayhem ensues. We meet a Witch who works with the British army to help track our heroes, but the screenwriter forgot about her midway through the film and the character oddly disappears without a trace.

The original film, though riddled with ghosts and curses, still felt somewhat grounded in a swashbuckling world in which the hero always wins no matter what. That idea has been so warped and distorted by this point that we literally watch a scene in which 6 horses pull an entire 2-story building down the streets by the reigns. Picture that: a 2-story building is being pulled down dirt roads by half a dozen horses. On the roof, Johnny Depp sword fights and jokes his way to safety. What? The two lead characters (carbon copies of Kiera Knightly & Orlando Bloom) lack all the charisma and charm that made the first film a success. The problem rests mostly in the writing and directing (and the fault falls on no less than 2 directors this time around).

The movie feels fake, as though a fan of the Pirates series sat down and tried to write a movie based on what he remembered off the top of his head. "Jack Sparrow is drunk," "crazy CGI villains," "where's the rum?," and "crazy action galore!" What's missing is a heart, a brain, and the courage to say no. Should this film have been made? Did we need a Pirates #5? I would argue that we stopped needing more after #1. Why ruin something so good in the first place?