SNATCHED follows a mother and daughter vacationing in Ecuador who are inexplicably kidnapped and brought to Colombia where they are held prisoners for no apparent reason. A local man later tells them that there is a big market in the underground sex trade in these parts, but that they needn't worry because they're so old, so ugly, so unsightly. Ha. The two women are played by Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer, two people that (debatably) have done better work in the past, and yet come together here as a comic duo that should defer comedians from making films for several years to come.
The film is remarkably bad. There isn't a shred of story that holds our attention or a memorable scene that sticks in my mind. Well, there is one: a bizarre scene in which Schumer comes down with a tapeworm and a local doctor lures it out of her throat by dangling raw meat in front of her mouth. A rope-like parasite squirms out of her mouth, and the scene divulges into a slap-fest that is quickly forgotten about seconds later. I won't say that this moment was the straw that broke the camel's back but I suspect the camel was long dead before they even started shooting the movie. Forget the simple improbabilities and inaccuracies here, what the screenwriter demonstrates is a basic lack of sanity.
Schumer's brother (played by Ike Barinholtz) is a shut-in who lives with his mother (Hawn) and calls the FBI in order to try and save his kidnapped family after receiving a telephone call about a required ransom. There are countless, pandering scenes of Barinholtz speaking to a black agent over the phone, over and over, scene after scene, sinking to the high-class of racial jokes and curse words. By the end of the film, the agent's only dialogue is "shut the fuck up" to this socially-awkward guy. We can't really blame him, because the brother calls his mom "ma-MA" over and over like a broken record and was designed head to toe to be that annoying character that's in the movie just to frustrate the audience.
Speaking of annoying characters, how could I forget a surprise appearance by Wanda Sykes and Joan Cusack of all people, two vacationers who befriend Hawn and Schumer and come to their rescue in the film's climax. Cusack has designed for herself a character that will stand the test of time as one of the most baffling on-screen performances ever concocted: a former military spy who removed her tongue in order to prevent treason should she be captured by the enemy. Yup, there is a character in "Snatched" who is missing a tongue, the wide-eyed and dopey Joan Cusack. Sykes saves the day by delivering one of the film's funniest lines in which she claims that one out of 4 tourists is kidnapped. Looking around, she counts off herself, Hawn, and Schumer. "See, somebody's missing." Too bad that moment was also the funniest part of the trailer as well.
If you insist on going to see this over Mother's Day weekend with some friends or family (might I recommend instead a nice brunch, a walk, a good book, a nap... There are so many better ways to spend an hour and a half) then heed my warning and buy your tickets separately. Go dutch. Don't give someone the responsibility of having paid for two tickets to a movie that they will regret having even paid once to see. Likewise if you check your bank statement later and realize that you paid upwards of $30 to see "Snatched" for you and your mom, you will invariably suffer feelings of depression and anger for weeks to come. With all due respect, isn't life more precious than that?
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