Universal Studios has released this movie in an attempt to form a cinematic universe around the classic monster movies of the early 20th Century: The Invisible Man, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein, and so on.. We even meet Dr Jeckyl (as played by Russell Crowe) who acts as a ring leader for all the monsters and whatnot (think Nick Fury in "the Avengers"). A stupid addition to the movie, no doubt, but an addition nonetheless. Dubbed "The Dark Universe" franchise (as the opening credits suggest), this is the first (and I would assume last) film to test the waters for such an idea. The idea itself isn't bad, but this flick sure as Hell was.
The "story" follows Tom Cruise as he hunts for buried treasure in modern day Iraq. He's accompanied by a friend (played by Jake Johnson) and tracked by a scientist (Annabelle Wallis) who, by sheer luck, stumble into a buried Egyptian tomb hundreds of feet under the Earth. There they find a single tomb, buried beneath feet of liquid mercury, guarded by ancient statues, protected by enormous camel spiders, covered with warnings and incantations... The scientist literally sees the protection around the sarcophagus and states "they weren't trying to keep us out. They're trying to keep something in!"
Naturally, they exhume the body and take the mummy to London...
What follows is perhaps the most incomprehensible movie yet made this decade. It's a bizarre blend of typical 'Tom Cruise action' mixed with slapstick comedy and the most cringeworthy horror tropes known to man. The fact that Tom Cruise plays the comedic role (one would imagine someone like Robert Downey Jr or maybe Chris Pratt in the part) is so beyond belief and so laughably bad, it's a wonder he accepted the role at all. Plagued by constant, tiresome, confusing, lazy, annoying, bizarre, stupid flashbacks in which he hears the Mummy (a dead evil Princess) explain her plans to him in detail, Cruise wakes up and tells his friend "I just saw the chick in a box." The 'chick' being the mummy and the 'box' being the sarcophagus that was only moments before opened. Cruise is also guided by his dead friend (Jake Johnson, as previously mentioned - who gets shot early on) who is seemingly brought back to life by the Mummy and explains the plot in long stretches of expository dialogue that attempts to be funny. Boy, are those scenes hard to watch.
In London, Dr Jeckyl captures the Mummy and keeps her locked away in one of his laboratories. He explains how they hope to dissect her body and find out the keys to immortality (or something like that). Every few minutes, he takes a booster to prevent his alter ego from bursting out (Mr Hyde being a cockney version of Russell Crowe who presents little threat and lots of laughs). Every few minutes, Tom Cruise interrupts with a "what??" or a "what's going on??" for good measure. The movie resorts into one of those movies where they have to destroy something before the bad guy gets it. "If we destroy the stone we break the curse!" to which someone replies with "if the Mummy gets the stone then the world will end as we know it!"
The suspense.
The original Mummy reboots (remember the ones with Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz?) were full of humor and actual plot. Sure, they were oftentimes stupid, but they were guided by a sense of fun and serial adventure. The 2017 incarnation is a far cry from entertainment. It's a far cry from common sense. There isn't a joke that works. There isn't an action scene that is suspenseful. There's not a single plot device that can be logically explained (how did the mummified Princess even come back to life in the first place?). The writing is atrociously bad, and the ending is a conundrum of nonsense in which Tom Cruise becomes some sort of god-like monster and returns to roaming the Earth to find a cure. What? It's an offense to the senses in the way it tries to craft an exciting film. It flies in the face of the intelligence of average movie goers. It's a cheap attempt to make a fast buck that had no less than SIX screenwriters without a single clue.
God help us if they proceed with more of these films. At one point in the movie, the Mummy tells Cruise that "there are worse fates than death" in the world. After watching this trainwreck, I kind of know what she's talking about.
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